Last month’s event was a hootin’, hollerin’ mess—both home games were thick with derby-wrought drama. It’s been nearly a month and I’m still reeling from that bet I made with Pa. As soon as Ol’ Lemmonader finished up her last-second jammer-lamma-ding-dong, Pa turned to me and he says, “Stick that in your smoke and pipe it!” It was a bittersweet moment for us all. I’ve been paid off not to talk about the Shifters/Crew fiasco, so I’m just going to keep my trap shut on that one.
Anywho, so tomorrow we will see the all-star Army of Darkness wrestle with our state neighbors from New Orleans, the Big Easy Rollergirls’ all-stars. Ya know, every time I look at their logo, I just start craving those dern cookies the little twerps sell in front of the grocery store. I heard AoD had a very educational experience on their trip to East Coast Extravaganza in Philly. I also heard that Coach O’Raney carries a fish and a bull-whip at every game now, no lie. AoD played the Big Easy’s all-stars earlier this year at the annual Governor’s Cup tournament and successfully thwarted their attempt to put fake mustaches on Mona Bruis’r’s beautiful behind. That could be a lie. It was a close game then, and the Army has taken on new troops since then, so I consulted my magic 8 ball for this one. It said “Ask Later,” so I through that son of biscuit-eater across the room and got an ice-pop to put in my pants, ‘cause it’s way too hot to be stressing over mystics and shit.
After their victory, I’m sure the beloved Slaughterers are ready to knock down another road block. This time, they’ll be charging after the Suicide Shifters. The grease monkeys lost to the Hotties, and the Slaughterers beat the Hotties. But that doesn’t mean the Shifters don’t have something up their sleeves. With hot items like Dallas Scars and The Bandit jamming up a storm and the likes of the towering Six Foot Fortress taking girls out with her big toe, they ought to hold their own against the wave of blood-soaked spandex. However, the Slaughterers have proven that they’re no pushovers. I predict this will be another close one that’s so brutal you might not be able to watch. But you should anyway. I bet Pa a six-pack of O’Doole’s and five chico-sticks that the Slaughterers will stomp out the Shifters hopes of a championship match.
The High Scheas Hotties must refrain from draggin their feet after their victory was torn from them in the last seconds of their game like a kitten from their momma’s teet to be tossed around by a snotty-nosed tyke. They’ve got to buck up and stick it to the Drumblers. Professor Kaos has been stalking Little Dipper for two weeks now. I have the pictures to prove it. I predict the Hotties will stuff the Rumblers after a high-strung first half, but the wedgies will run rampant at the after party.
Find everything you need to know about the battle and RSVP at the Facebook event.
I’m out like my gay cousin,
Lucy
