who is lucy skywalker?

So the Championship Bout for DDD’s 6^th Season has arrived.

The Suicide Shifters are out. With a BIG SWEEP of 0 wins and 4 losses, they fall tragically into the pits of last place.

The Wrecking Crew and High Seas Hotties, both barely hanging on by one victory each, will take the track for a predictably well-matched bout. I understand there’s been some gambling goin’ on for this game. I’m not allowed to make bets anymore, on account of Grandpa noticing the missing packs of Reds missing from his secret stash. Drat. But…if I could bet, I’d put down five packs and a ham sandwich on the Wrecking Crew demolishing the Hotties’ hopes and dreams to be the number three team.

And THEN we have the clencher. The moment you’ve waited all season long for. It’s the rematch between The Slaughterers and the Death Row Rumblers! This ought to be hot, since it will be the Rumblers’ very first shot at making 1st place, and the Slaughts aren’t going to give it to them easy. Both teams want it, BAD. The Pink Potatoes have come a long way from their downhill slope last year after they watched their impressive record go down the toilet. Everyone was binge drinking bloody marys and fighting over who got the last pig's foot--it really was a sad sight. On the flipside, every season the DRRs have played the role of the kid in the back of the bus who always gets picked on because she doesn't stop running her mouth about everyone else's dirty underwear even though she vaguely smells of pee herself--until this year. They've stuck together through it all and have managed to not drop the soap so much in 2011. Everyone roots for the underdog, so you can just call me a cliche-ridden, unoriginal fap, because I'm rooting for them too! If you mix glitter and blood, what do you call it? A Rumbler’s first time. Ba-dunk-tch!

Oh, you’re still here?

You mean you’re waiting for skater-specific shit talk?

It’s sad to admit, but I got nothin’ on any of these girls this time. I mean, I could go on for HOURS about the Suicide Snifflers, but they’re not even skating this time. What’s the fun in that?

You wanna know what is fun, though?

I’ll tell you a secret.

If you haven’t figured it out already, I’m actually a *REAL* skater from the Dallas Derby Devils.

I want to know who YOU, dear reader, think who I could be. So give me your best guess—either here in the comments or at the bout. I don’t know how you’d do it at the bout if you didn’t REALLY know who I was, so I guess make a sign or something. You people seem to LOVE making signs. If you get it right, I might make you feel like only Bob Saget could, in that bittersweet, inviting-but-sickening way.

Here's the facebook event page for the Championship, in case you weren't cool enough to get the "invite" (don't feel bad, I don't get invited either):

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dallas-Derby-Devils/34847048169?ref=ts#!/event.php?eid=233316923380193

All online tickets are SOLD OUT, so if you haven't snagged yours yet, you better find a Devil quick and tell her you love her--but don't kiss her. She likes a good tease. Oh, and don't forget to buy a ticket from her. There's also this scavenger hunt going on, so you can try getting free tickets that way.

Dueces,

Lucy

one of these things is not like the other

Hammers, cranes with HUGE demolition balls, asbestos-breath

Cleaver cleavage, severed limbs, blood-stained spanx

Socket wrenches, over-sized engines, greasy fingers

Arson, public nudity, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City marathons

Eye patch, peg leg, weird indiscriminate accent

What do these all have in common?

I’ll give you a hint. They’re all at war to reign champions of 2011, and become queens of the Jell-O Puddin’ Cosby-off. Ok, maybe I made that second part up, but man wouldn’t that be HILARIOUS?

STILL searching that nose for a nugget of knowledge?

Fine. I’ll bail you out this time, but you have to promise not to point that finger at me.

The characteristics above describe the 5 home teams of the Dallas Derby Devils! All but one of them will take a whack at each other one more time this weekend to see who’ll make it to the Championship round in September.

This Saturday--tomorrow to be exact--the High Seas Hotties drop their sails for a moment as the other four teams duke it out for their last regular home season titty-twister. The evening will start off with the all-star Army of Darkness hosting the Texas Rollergirls' own Hustlers--a purple-spandex wearing bunch of harlots with a hankering for pain and a shiny new set of cubic zirconia and "platinum" dollar bill shaped bling that their...friend Upgrayde promised them if they win. Dallas does our best to foster a healthy, loving rivalry full of rainbows and kittens with our Austin pals. They're sort of like older sisters--the kind that, after so graciously showing us how to use tampons and shave our legs, like to embarrass us in front of that boy we think is cute by making us look like total losers with our acne, braces and bad shoes. There are never any hard feelings of course, 'cause then they'd just beat us up. Again. So embrace them, show them a good time, and remember--no one messes with Texas.

Now on to our home team action...

The Wrecking Crew will take on the Slaughterers for a delectable, meat tenderizing affair. With a rather sad record this season, the Crew will need to kick it into high gear to stuff the one-two jammer punch of Miley Virus and Elemmonator. I hear the Crew have their own combo that might help their own double-trouble jammers break wind—er, the pack—faster than you can say “blue balls”. For best results, mix red food-coloring with corn syrup to make a rich, flavorful vat of fake blood to pour on the winners.

While the Hot Box Rumblers shamelessly sharpen their wooden shanks and stuff their bras with thumbtacks, the Suicide Shitters are all about fair-play—unless it’s against folks who they consider scum of society who deserve to be on skid row. The thought of what you get when you mix green and orange together reminds me of what happens throughout the day in the poor restrooms before a bout. Derby girls get nervous-belly-butterfies, but the end result is neither pretty nor graceful. The Rumblers are on a roll, so I say watch out for any glitter-bombs strapped to the bottom of your seat. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a get-out-of-jail-free card in real life—someone should let A Devil Named Dalyla know before she goes and steals a whole bunch of Monopoly game sets from Wal-mart.

Here’s the facebook invite for all the details:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=113085868787556

See you at the track. Bring your best wig and heckling poster.

Your ultimate lazy blogger,

Lucy Skywalker

vodka martina took my lunch money

Last month’s event was a hootin’, hollerin’ mess—both home games were thick with derby-wrought drama. It’s been nearly a month and I’m still reeling from that bet I made with Pa. As soon as Ol’ Lemmonader finished up her last-second jammer-lamma-ding-dong, Pa turned to me and he says, “Stick that in your smoke and pipe it!” It was a bittersweet moment for us all. I’ve been paid off not to talk about the Shifters/Crew fiasco, so I’m just going to keep my trap shut on that one.

Anywho, so tomorrow we will see the all-star Army of Darkness wrestle with our state neighbors from New Orleans, the Big Easy Rollergirls’ all-stars. Ya know, every time I look at their logo, I just start craving those dern cookies the little twerps sell in front of the grocery store. I heard AoD had a very educational experience on their trip to East Coast Extravaganza in Philly. I also heard that Coach O’Raney carries a fish and a bull-whip at every game now, no lie. AoD played the Big Easy’s all-stars earlier this year at the annual Governor’s Cup tournament and successfully thwarted their attempt to put fake mustaches on Mona Bruis’r’s beautiful behind. That could be a lie. It was a close game then, and the Army has taken on new troops since then, so I consulted my magic 8 ball for this one. It said “Ask Later,” so I through that son of biscuit-eater across the room and got an ice-pop to put in my pants, ‘cause it’s way too hot to be stressing over mystics and shit.

After their victory, I’m sure the beloved Slaughterers are ready to knock down another road block. This time, they’ll be charging after the Suicide Shifters. The grease monkeys lost to the Hotties, and the Slaughterers beat the Hotties. But that doesn’t mean the Shifters don’t have something up their sleeves. With hot items like Dallas Scars and The Bandit jamming up a storm and the likes of the towering Six Foot Fortress taking girls out with her big toe, they ought to hold their own against the wave of blood-soaked spandex. However, the Slaughterers have proven that they’re no pushovers. I predict this will be another close one that’s so brutal you might not be able to watch. But you should anyway. I bet Pa a six-pack of O’Doole’s and five chico-sticks that the Slaughterers will stomp out the Shifters hopes of a championship match.

The High Scheas Hotties must refrain from draggin their feet after their victory was torn from them in the last seconds of their game like a kitten from their momma’s teet to be tossed around by a snotty-nosed tyke. They’ve got to buck up and stick it to the Drumblers. Professor Kaos has been stalking Little Dipper for two weeks now. I have the pictures to prove it. I predict the Hotties will stuff the Rumblers after a high-strung first half, but the wedgies will run rampant at the after party.

Find everything you need to know about the battle and RSVP at the Facebook event.

I’m out like my gay cousin,

Lucy

just like the mavericks

Dallas is bringing it home like good southern cookin'. Or maybe you prefer TexMex? Or better yet, you're into Zuroma pizza, brought to your seat in lightning speed by the hottest, most sinister Devils. That's right. The Army of Darkness delivers.

While you're munching on your delicious pizza pie, flicking bits of cheese into the person's hair in the row in front of you as you shout for your favorite team, I hope these predictions resonate with you. Someone thought so much of me, they even made me a poster. What darlings.


I know the High Seas Hotties have an advantage over the Slaughterers with two very experienced veterans, Roxie la Roo and Rink Panther as their coaches, but the Slaughts have plenty of grit and their ready to prove that all girls are pink on the inside--even eye-patched cat ladies who like to be seafaring wenches during pretend time. The Slaughterers' harrowing four-footer captain, who was also May's skater of the month AND the poster child for Bout 3, is foaming at the mouth for a victory. The Haughties can afford a loss. While I seriously doubt they'll give it up to the pint-sized pinkies, I don't think it'll be a smothering for either side. I reckon the tide is high on the crimson wave for many of HSH, so there might be some extra rage left on the track.

Every year, out of all the match-ups between the Devils' five home teams, I look forward to the bout between the Wrecking Crew and the Suicide Shifters. Consistent rivals for the second and third place spots in the rankings, these two mobs of blue-collar enthusiasts never fail to give each other the closest, most brutal beatdown of the season. Their games are always butt-clenchers and knuckle-biters. Last year's was the Crew's first night to reveal their unpopular tactics. In spite of a particularly nasty lashing from the crowd, that night their win over their dearest adversaries must have poured gasoline over their burning appetite for abuse. Considering the mean green snot rocket machines lost to the Hotties, as did the feckless Wrecking Crew, this could again be their pre-playoff battle for second and third place. Neither have a good record yet, so they've both got the itch. Between you and me, I think the Crew's plan is to blind their foes with their outrageous new gold Skinz shorty shorts. If that doesn't work, I think the Suicides' slick new jammers will slip right through their disco ball wall for an epic upheaval.

There you have it, folks. I'm going to be lazy and just link to the Facebook event here for all the details. Check it.

Keep it sleazy,

Lucy

bushes are burning

As you all know, the world didn't end during our May 21 bout. Thank GOD, because then a good chunk of our skaters would have been MIA and we'd have a real mess on our hands. I think we handled the lights out situation at bout 1 well, so I'm sure we would have figured something out real quick. In all honesty, nine times out of ten having a roller derby girl on your side in the apocalypse is a real blessing--we're quite handy. We're athletic and quick on our feet, many of us have extensive knowledge on zombies, we know how to use socket wrenches really well, recognize the importance of lubricant and most importantly: every one of us has been through hell and back, so you bet your too-tight britches we're all tough broads.

This Saturday, June 18th, the Dallas Derby Devils' all-stars will skate under their new moniker, the Army of Darkness. They will also be warming up the track with an opener against Pueblo Roller Derby Devil Dollz. Not much is known about the Devil Dollz, but sources say they're currently unranked but active in the Western Region. Other, less credible, sources say that they were all born on the same plateau, inside a bat cave that was also a home to a league of mountain lions. The West is a tough region full of totally legit teams. The higher altitude really gives them an advantage, in my opinion.

As for this weekend's home team headbutting, the High Seas Hotties set their good eye on the Slaughterers, while the Suicide Shifters will get off their hogs for a scrap against the Wrecking Crew. Woo-ee! Ya'll come back later for the predictions. This is just a teaser post. Nyah!

**Lucy would like to apologize for a mistake on her previous post, "sass never goes out of style"--in which she states that Randall County Roller Dames are from Abilene, TX. RCRD is in fact from Amarillo, not Abilene. Lucy severely regrets her gross oversight and begs on bended knee for your forgiveness.**

sass never goes out of style

Gasp! My 100% accuracy rate on bout predictions has been sullied by a curve ball!

Cheers to the Death Row Rumblers for stuffing the Crew with their sick defense. Although, I must say, it was pretty hilarious to watch the Drrs get all flustered with each penalty--it was like the whole team had one gargantuan collective pantywad. They all looked like their mean ol' momma wasn't budging on her big N-O to buying them a new Bedazzler after they broke the last one trying to put bling on their swimsuit in the kiddie pool. Despite their conniptions, the Rumblers managed to put the lock-down on the Strolling Crew's heavily-disputed wall of spandex.

Since I am well-versed in roller derby strategy and aced my written rules assessment, I appreciate a well-executed defensive/offensive play. And I seriously dig the Crew's "I don't give a damn about my reputation" attitude--duh. Those girls get a lot of hate, but they work just as hard as everyone else, and their trust in each other and their coaches is downright incredible. What's more, despite the asshol--um, naysayers, those ladies hold their heads high, and if I were them I'd squeeze out a crop-duster with a big, bright smile on my way back to the bench. However, I don't approve of the defeat. It screwed up my impeccable record, so balls to you Wrecking Crew. Better luck next time.

On to tomorrow's bout.

DDD's indomitable travel team, the Hell Razors, are planning to bulldoze the Randall County Derby Dames from Abilene, TX. RCRD's workhorse Big Red is out of the game after an unfortunate sprain, but the breasts from the West have some pretty solid skaters in their ranks. Too bad they're going up against the best team in Dallas, who are recently up on a rebuilding phase. The Devils love to keep it in the family, so we welcome them with open arms before we plan to lay on the hurt. Make sure you show up early to show your support for DDD's legends--it's a pretty incredible sight to watch the cream of the crop tearing up the track in tandem! I mean, have you ever witnessed the sheer might of a power play with Mona Bruis'r, Mary Ate Ashley, Amazon Assassin, The Shocker with Brandi Danger jamming all in the SAME PACK?! That'll give you nightmares for months! And in case you didn't know, the Hell Razors have three finalists for Team USA on their roster: Rink Panther, Roxie La Roo and Anita Riot. Watch out, America, the claws are coming out!

Now, before the Death Row Rumblers get all high-and-mighty on their victory from the season opener, they'll have to watch out for the Slaughterers. Since Maniac McGee and her pink princesses had to sit out game 1, I bet they'll come out swinging. They've been very hush-hush about their strategy, but I have sensed some effervescent animosity between the teams' jammers. I caught Emurgency giving Go-Go Ballistic the stink-eye at the last scrimmage practice! I don't think Heike de Squirt's mini-me/six-pack sister Bo Toxin is going to let her shorter stature get in the way of her point scoring--on a side note, they're both so quiet but man oh man do they have mean skate faces! It goes without saying that you can expect first-stringers and former TTers Postal Penny (Rumbler) and Miley Virus (Slaught) to bring the heat. Who's with me when I say I'd like to see Bad Mo Flo up against Professor Kaos on the jammer line? Ooooh, and don't forget--now Keltic Kamikaze will be playing against her former home team! Anyone need a Midol before the bout? Smack talk aside, while the Slaughterers had it rough last season, I think they'll perform a bit better this year. However, the Rumblers are trying to prove they have the stuff to break the third-place barrier. Well, this skater says glitter will prevail and the con-artists will strike another mark on their cell walls.

For my other prediction, we have the Wrecking Poo matched up with the High Seas Potties. If the Crew thought they had it rough with the Rumblers, I think they're in for a doozy against the queens of the crimson wave. Considering Cherry Popfart and her Hotties had a tough run against the Suicide Shitters in April, I think they'll have quite a time tripping over the Crew's stop-and-go strategy--if Jackie O. Ripeass decides to pull it out again, that is. Regardless of controversial plays, keep an eye out for Rosemary Raucous, she's another silent-but-deadly type. Watch out for Delta Blow, too. She's got a mean dead-leg that you just have to see! This ought to be a downright delightful match-up. I'll take a shot at saying that the Hotties will only be successful in dismantling the Crew if they can learn that popping bras on the track is in fact illegal and keep their butts out of the bench.

There's no reason to miss this, folks. And if you order your pizza from Zuroma's, the Hell Razors are working delivery during the home team bouts, so tip 'em real nice.

My Butt is BIG
Dallas Derby Devils' 2011 Season Game 2
May 21st - Doors @ 5:30PM / Whistle @ 6:00PM

NYTEX Sports Centre

8851 Ice House Drive

North Richland Hills, Texas

Smell ya later,

Lucy Skywalker

y u no like easter bunnies?

Tomorrow is the big day and it's going to be a real doozy. A day of sin lies ahead for all DFW roller derby fans.

First, DDD’s Hell Razors are taking on their Dallas sisters, the Assassination City all-stars, Special Ops. Yes, it’s true. The metroplex is so big the place has to have TWO teams. Some skaters have even played on both teams before – which has ruffled a few feathers, but as Ma likes to say as she lights a bent Pall Mall after a good long tiff with Aunt Flo, “IT’S ALL GRAVY.” To foster the friendly rivalry, Special Ops has ever-so-sweetly accepted the all-star challenge. Both teams had a healthy run at the Governor’s Cup Texas-exclusive tournament in February, but when they went toe-to-toe, the Hell Razors handed the pink ladies a heaping mound of pain. With a few adjustments, the Special Ops could probably avoid the gun going off in their faces again.

After the battle of the big baddies, we’ll move on to our regular programming – the Death Row Rumblers skate against the Wrecking Crew and the Suicide Shifters take on the High Seas Hotties.

Word on the street is Rumbler captain Annie Wrecksion’s budding Baby Boner has turned her into a bit of a slave driver. I also know firsthand that those little orange strumpets are foaming at the mouth to show off their new sequin-coated skirts. Unfortunately, no one has had the heart to tell them that glitter has absolutely no nutritional value! I now humbly take on that burden. Girls – sprinkling orange-colored sparkles on your Wheaties will NOT give you magic muscles! However, in addition to a veteran-heavy roster, they now wield a handful of ex-all-stars in their arsenal. The return of Jackie Lation is sort of a you know what and Keltic Kamikaze, of Slaughterer and Hell Razor fame, will also don the black and orange. WHAT WILL THE WRECKING CREW DO? Bereft of her beloved veterans Anita Riot, Lucky Lou and Weapon X, Crew captain Jackie O. Niceass has wrangled quite a hand of quick-footed recruits to bolster her blocker-heavy roster. Oh, and we can’t forget 2010’s One to Watch – Wreckless Vida. Will they bring back the infamous stroller derby wall to stuff the Rumblers in the cell – er, penalty box? One can only hope. I think DRR will have a strong first half, but the Crew will put the lockdown in the second half for a controversial victory.

The tide has shifted for the High Seas Hotties since they also had to train a shipload of newbies. Their fearless leader, Cherry Poptart, has been pretty tight-lipped concerning any strategy. They’ve already suffered a sperm-related casualty, too! Hopefully her team won’t slip in any oil spills this Saturday. I think the Shifters’ captain, V-Twin Vixen, has a good idea of what kind of power she has under her hood. To add to a rather frightening line-up, Ol’ Dirty Basher and Sweet Baby Jane have come out of their retirement with devious grins. The team in green has always been loaded with potential but something always seems to put a wrench in their gears. I predict this is their year to shine and the first game of the season will prove it. Who would think they’d ever see the day when the Shifters have a genuine shot at creaming the Hotties?

Another bonus of the weekend: easter candy. I've been hoarding the Cadbury Eggs and I might just leave a special present for you in the fake grass.

In case you're new to this, or have suffered amnesia since last season, here's all the info you need to get to the bout:

Dallas Derby Devils' 2011 Season Opener

Saturday, April 23rd

NYTEX
8851 Ice House Dr
North Richland Hills, TX

Doors open at 5:30, Hell Razors vs Special Ops starts at 6pm sharp!

Go to derbydevils.com for a link to buy your tickets online.