Cheers to the Death Row Rumblers for stuffing the Crew with their sick defense. Although, I must say, it was pretty hilarious to watch the Drrs get all flustered with each penalty--it was like the whole team had one gargantuan collective pantywad. They all looked like their mean ol' momma wasn't budging on her big N-O to buying them a new Bedazzler after they broke the last one trying to put bling on their swimsuit in the kiddie pool. Despite their conniptions, the Rumblers managed to put the lock-down on the Strolling Crew's heavily-disputed wall of spandex.
Since I am well-versed in roller derby strategy and aced my written rules assessment, I appreciate a well-executed defensive/offensive play. And I seriously dig the Crew's "I don't give a damn about my reputation" attitude--duh. Those girls get a lot of hate, but they work just as hard as everyone else, and their trust in each other and their coaches is downright incredible. What's more, despite the asshol--um, naysayers, those ladies hold their heads high, and if I were them I'd squeeze out a crop-duster with a big, bright smile on my way back to the bench. However, I don't approve of the defeat. It screwed up my impeccable record, so balls to you Wrecking Crew. Better luck next time.
On to tomorrow's bout.
DDD's indomitable travel team, the Hell Razors, are planning to bulldoze the Randall County Derby Dames from Abilene, TX. RCRD's workhorse Big Red is out of the game after an unfortunate sprain, but the breasts from the West have some pretty solid skaters in their ranks. Too bad they're going up against the best team in Dallas, who are recently up on a rebuilding phase. The Devils love to keep it in the family, so we welcome them with open arms before we plan to lay on the hurt. Make sure you show up early to show your support for DDD's legends--it's a pretty incredible sight to watch the cream of the crop tearing up the track in tandem! I mean, have you ever witnessed the sheer might of a power play with Mona Bruis'r, Mary Ate Ashley, Amazon Assassin, The Shocker with Brandi Danger jamming all in the SAME PACK?! That'll give you nightmares for months! And in case you didn't know, the Hell Razors have three finalists for Team USA on their roster: Rink Panther, Roxie La Roo and Anita Riot. Watch out, America, the claws are coming out!
Now, before the Death Row Rumblers get all high-and-mighty on their victory from the season opener, they'll have to watch out for the Slaughterers. Since Maniac McGee and her pink princesses had to sit out game 1, I bet they'll come out swinging. They've been very hush-hush about their strategy, but I have sensed some effervescent animosity between the teams' jammers. I caught Emurgency giving Go-Go Ballistic the stink-eye at the last scrimmage practice! I don't think Heike de Squirt's mini-me/six-pack sister Bo Toxin is going to let her shorter stature get in the way of her point scoring--on a side note, they're both so quiet but man oh man do they have mean skate faces! It goes without saying that you can expect first-stringers and former TTers Postal Penny (Rumbler) and Miley Virus (Slaught) to bring the heat. Who's with me when I say I'd like to see Bad Mo Flo up against Professor Kaos on the jammer line? Ooooh, and don't forget--now Keltic Kamikaze will be playing against her former home team! Anyone need a Midol before the bout? Smack talk aside, while the Slaughterers had it rough last season, I think they'll perform a bit better this year. However, the Rumblers are trying to prove they have the stuff to break the third-place barrier. Well, this skater says glitter will prevail and the con-artists will strike another mark on their cell walls.
For my other prediction, we have the Wrecking Poo matched up with the High Seas Potties. If the Crew thought they had it rough with the Rumblers, I think they're in for a doozy against the queens of the crimson wave. Considering Cherry Popfart and her Hotties had a tough run against the Suicide Shitters in April, I think they'll have quite a time tripping over the Crew's stop-and-go strategy--if Jackie O. Ripeass decides to pull it out again, that is. Regardless of controversial plays, keep an eye out for Rosemary Raucous, she's another silent-but-deadly type. Watch out for Delta Blow, too. She's got a mean dead-leg that you just have to see! This ought to be a downright delightful match-up. I'll take a shot at saying that the Hotties will only be successful in dismantling the Crew if they can learn that popping bras on the track is in fact illegal and keep their butts out of the bench.
There's no reason to miss this, folks. And if you order your pizza from Zuroma's, the Hell Razors are working delivery during the home team bouts, so tip 'em real nice.
My Butt is BIG
Dallas Derby Devils' 2011 Season Game 2
May 21st - Doors @ 5:30PM / Whistle @ 6:00PM
NYTEX Sports Centre
8851 Ice House Drive
North Richland Hills, Texas
Lucy Skywalker
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