Hammers, cranes with HUGE demolition balls, asbestos-breath
Cleaver cleavage, severed limbs, blood-stained spanx
Socket wrenches, over-sized engines, greasy fingers
Arson, public nudity, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City marathons
Eye patch, peg leg, weird indiscriminate accent
What do these all have in common?
I’ll give you a hint. They’re all at war to reign champions of 2011, and become queens of the Jell-O Puddin’ Cosby-off. Ok, maybe I made that second part up, but man wouldn’t that be HILARIOUS?
STILL searching that nose for a nugget of knowledge?
Fine. I’ll bail you out this time, but you have to promise not to point that finger at me.
The characteristics above describe the 5 home teams of the Dallas Derby Devils! All but one of them will take a whack at each other one more time this weekend to see who’ll make it to the Championship round in September.
This Saturday--tomorrow to be exact--the High Seas Hotties drop their sails for a moment as the other four teams duke it out for their last regular home season titty-twister. The evening will start off with the all-star Army of Darkness hosting the Texas Rollergirls' own Hustlers--a purple-spandex wearing bunch of harlots with a hankering for pain and a shiny new set of cubic zirconia and "platinum" dollar bill shaped bling that their...friend Upgrayde promised them if they win. Dallas does our best to foster a healthy, loving rivalry full of rainbows and kittens with our Austin pals. They're sort of like older sisters--the kind that, after so graciously showing us how to use tampons and shave our legs, like to embarrass us in front of that boy we think is cute by making us look like total losers with our acne, braces and bad shoes. There are never any hard feelings of course, 'cause then they'd just beat us up. Again. So embrace them, show them a good time, and remember--no one messes with Texas.
Now on to our home team action...
The Wrecking Crew will take on the Slaughterers for a delectable, meat tenderizing affair. With a rather sad record this season, the Crew will need to kick it into high gear to stuff the one-two jammer punch of Miley Virus and Elemmonator. I hear the Crew have their own combo that might help their own double-trouble jammers break wind—er, the pack—faster than you can say “blue balls”. For best results, mix red food-coloring with corn syrup to make a rich, flavorful vat of fake blood to pour on the winners.
While the Hot Box Rumblers shamelessly sharpen their wooden shanks and stuff their bras with thumbtacks, the Suicide Shitters are all about fair-play—unless it’s against folks who they consider scum of society who deserve to be on skid row. The thought of what you get when you mix green and orange together reminds me of what happens throughout the day in the poor restrooms before a bout. Derby girls get nervous-belly-butterfies, but the end result is neither pretty nor graceful. The Rumblers are on a roll, so I say watch out for any glitter-bombs strapped to the bottom of your seat. Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a get-out-of-jail-free card in real life—someone should let A Devil Named Dalyla know before she goes and steals a whole bunch of Monopoly game sets from Wal-mart.
Here’s the facebook invite for all the details:
http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=113085868787556
See you at the track. Bring your best wig and heckling poster.
Your ultimate lazy blogger,
Lucy Skywalker
