y u no like easter bunnies?

Tomorrow is the big day and it's going to be a real doozy. A day of sin lies ahead for all DFW roller derby fans.

First, DDD’s Hell Razors are taking on their Dallas sisters, the Assassination City all-stars, Special Ops. Yes, it’s true. The metroplex is so big the place has to have TWO teams. Some skaters have even played on both teams before – which has ruffled a few feathers, but as Ma likes to say as she lights a bent Pall Mall after a good long tiff with Aunt Flo, “IT’S ALL GRAVY.” To foster the friendly rivalry, Special Ops has ever-so-sweetly accepted the all-star challenge. Both teams had a healthy run at the Governor’s Cup Texas-exclusive tournament in February, but when they went toe-to-toe, the Hell Razors handed the pink ladies a heaping mound of pain. With a few adjustments, the Special Ops could probably avoid the gun going off in their faces again.

After the battle of the big baddies, we’ll move on to our regular programming – the Death Row Rumblers skate against the Wrecking Crew and the Suicide Shifters take on the High Seas Hotties.

Word on the street is Rumbler captain Annie Wrecksion’s budding Baby Boner has turned her into a bit of a slave driver. I also know firsthand that those little orange strumpets are foaming at the mouth to show off their new sequin-coated skirts. Unfortunately, no one has had the heart to tell them that glitter has absolutely no nutritional value! I now humbly take on that burden. Girls – sprinkling orange-colored sparkles on your Wheaties will NOT give you magic muscles! However, in addition to a veteran-heavy roster, they now wield a handful of ex-all-stars in their arsenal. The return of Jackie Lation is sort of a you know what and Keltic Kamikaze, of Slaughterer and Hell Razor fame, will also don the black and orange. WHAT WILL THE WRECKING CREW DO? Bereft of her beloved veterans Anita Riot, Lucky Lou and Weapon X, Crew captain Jackie O. Niceass has wrangled quite a hand of quick-footed recruits to bolster her blocker-heavy roster. Oh, and we can’t forget 2010’s One to Watch – Wreckless Vida. Will they bring back the infamous stroller derby wall to stuff the Rumblers in the cell – er, penalty box? One can only hope. I think DRR will have a strong first half, but the Crew will put the lockdown in the second half for a controversial victory.

The tide has shifted for the High Seas Hotties since they also had to train a shipload of newbies. Their fearless leader, Cherry Poptart, has been pretty tight-lipped concerning any strategy. They’ve already suffered a sperm-related casualty, too! Hopefully her team won’t slip in any oil spills this Saturday. I think the Shifters’ captain, V-Twin Vixen, has a good idea of what kind of power she has under her hood. To add to a rather frightening line-up, Ol’ Dirty Basher and Sweet Baby Jane have come out of their retirement with devious grins. The team in green has always been loaded with potential but something always seems to put a wrench in their gears. I predict this is their year to shine and the first game of the season will prove it. Who would think they’d ever see the day when the Shifters have a genuine shot at creaming the Hotties?

Another bonus of the weekend: easter candy. I've been hoarding the Cadbury Eggs and I might just leave a special present for you in the fake grass.

In case you're new to this, or have suffered amnesia since last season, here's all the info you need to get to the bout:

Dallas Derby Devils' 2011 Season Opener

Saturday, April 23rd

NYTEX
8851 Ice House Dr
North Richland Hills, TX

Doors open at 5:30, Hell Razors vs Special Ops starts at 6pm sharp!

Go to derbydevils.com for a link to buy your tickets online.

the return of a legend

Hey kids and skids,

I don’t know about all you other derby-for-lifers, but my life has taken on new meaning since I last scribbled any shenanigans out of my arse for you all to giggle at. I have reformed—I am a new shewoman. “But Lucy, what changed your life?” you ask? Two words: Derby Skinz. You hold them in your hands and you think, “How the hell am I going to squeeze my thunder thighs through these things?” But then you close your eyes, hold your breath, and slip ‘em on – both legs at once – waddle over to the mirror, open one eye and let out a holler! “Hot damn my ass looks fine!” I’m telling you, they have changed my dang life. I wear them everywhere – practice, the gym, the club, at Grandma’s, the grocery store – you name it, I’ve displayed my butt cleavage with pride! The super duper bonus is that these dandies come in so many colors and patterns – it’s a camel-toe rainbow out there!

Can you believe that Derby Skinz is now the official outfitter of the entire Dallas Derby Devils?! I thought surely I split the seams on my pink skulls pair from jumping for joy – but nope, the thread held every inch in through every cartwheel. HOW ABOUT THAT FOR QUALITY?

So the wheels on the floor keep on turning and a new season is upon us! I’ll tell you what, DDD is an ambitious league. We’re hosting triple headers all season long! Those hot tootsies on the Travel Team were dragged kicking and screaming from their home teams, but now you get to watch them skate together at nearly every home season game. WFTDA-sanctioned, nationally competitive play, plus a home team double-header, still for just 12 to 15 bucks a pop? What a freaking deal!

I know you all have missed me something fierce. I haven't missed you suckers at all. Regardless, I am back to spill the Devils' dirty little secrets all over the interwebz for your sick enjoyment. So come back in a couple days to catch my predictions for the 2011 Season Opener this weekend!