do you hate me? check yes or no.

Whose got a derby-ache? Symptoms include nausea from all the excitement, that vein in your forehead throbbing from yelling too much, both middle fingers are cramping, you can't stop peeing, and your legs twitch uncontrollably when you try to sit still. The derby-ache plagues skaters and fans alike. Some claim it's worse than the diabetus.

There's no escape for the wicked: derby girls go down--hard. There's nothing that can be done but watch in awe as your sweet heroines swoop down and pick their enemies clean, leaving nothing but a helmet and cross bones in their wake. Doesn't it sound grand?

Welp, I ate my words from my last post as soon as I witnessed the Suicide Shifters' feeble attempts at cracking the Wrecking Crew's great wall of vagina. Ol' Dirty Basher made short work of it once with a glorious, albeit highly illegal, back-door entrance that slammed three girls straight to the floor--which sent her back to the box from whence she came, both birds a'blazing. That brash display summed up her team's feelings for the night. To be honest, I can't decide if I love what the Crew did, or want to spit and cuss at it like (mostly) everyone else has. Sure, the slow part sorta stinks, but damn did it work! The Crew locked in a win while allowing rookies and vets alike to shine together. First season skater Hollywood Hitchya and vets who sometimes struggle to score--unlike the coveted anomaly Anita Riot--Dar2 D2 and Lucky Lou all cracked the whip in hugely successful jams.

At any rate, this Saturday the High Seas Hotties have to face the crafty Crew. Chances are, if either team tries to freeze the pace, someone is going to lose their shit all over the track. Hotties' Captain Lickity Splittail will wish she wore extra underwear, 'cause she's gonna piss her panties if her team doesn't pull it together against the Wrecking Crew. How embarrassing would it be for the infamous vet-heavy Hotties to be dismantled by strategy executed by the LAST PLACE TEAM of the 2009 season? Hardee har har, I can't wait to see what happens! Something tells me the Hotties are going to pull out a somewhat, ahem, messy win in this pre-championship match-up against the other undefeated team of 2010.

Finally, the Suicide Shifters take on the Death Row Rumblers. This strikes me as a fairly even pairing. I anticipate some kind of slick moves from both teams. The Rumblers' did suffer an unfortunate loss, recently, as Captain Debbie Downer, and five-year veteran Desi Deck'em parted ways with their be-glittered sisters. Mid-season, at that. Both served as powerful players who seemed to have played the pivot, blocker, jammer skill trifecta quite handily, in my opinion. Que sera, as now the Shifters have all sorts of angst built up from their embarrassing dismemberment last month. Can someone answer me this, since my informants failed me last time: is Slyder in, or is she out? If she's out, the Shifters still tout an impressive troop, including the stoic stunner Kernal Angus. I'm curious if she's not a robot. She just powers on with little sign of any human emotion. Maybe the spandex is strangling her to silence.

For the first time this season, I am truly struggling to pick a side for this one. I would hate to sully my perfect score on predictions. That's 100% right, every time, bitches! Can you believe someone this good is doing this for free? Anyway, as I was saying, it's a tough call on this one. It has potential to be the closest bout of the season. How's about I just go with the Death Row Rumblers, because they collectively have more spunk in their junk than any other DDD team!

Which brings me to my first opportunity to predict an official interleague bout between Dallas' Hell Razors and Minnesota's All-Stars. Ho-ly shit. The Hell Razors have been working double-time this season. DNN.com even credited them as one of the busiest teams of 2010, as they blasted through more tournaments than single-headers in the first quarter. Though Minnesota and Dallas have both competed in Dust Devil 2006 and 2007, they've never gone head-to-head. Minnie's rankings have slipped to 7th in the North Central Region, while Dallas has sat stagnant at 4th in a tumultuous South Central Region. DNN's power rankings haven't featured Minnesota in months, while Dallas has held steadfast since their induction to the unofficial-yet-revered list of top roller derby leagues in October. This all means that Dallas is going to do their damnedest to pummel their guests in the most fashionable manner possible. Be sure to compliment them on their snazzy new uniforms while buying their victory beer, mmkay?

It's going to be a long, hard night for us all this Saturday. Three, count 'em, THREE bouts in one day, with a regular season pricetag. Don't even argue, just give hand over your heart. We promise to take care of it real nice like. And don't be the idiot that shows up late because you didn't read the info I so conveniently placed below:

DDD Triple Header
Doors at 5:30, Minnesota vs Dallas bout starts promptly at 6pm
Tickets are $13 in advance or $15 at the door.
NYTEX Sports Centre
8851 IceHouse Dr
North Richland Hills, TX
www.derbydevils.com

P.S. Here's a shout-out to all my fans. Thanks for reading and commenting. For you lurkers: don't be shy. Speak up. Let me know if you hate me, fear me, want to bed me, whatever. I'd like to know.

a hunk a hunk a hunk of burnin' love

Aw christ, I drank way too much of that stuff that cross-eyed lady sold me. I'm typing this from the toilet. I hope I don't vom on the keyboard.

Jusssssssst kidding!

I am having a hard time focusing, though. I decided to put it in my granddad's pipe, and by golly this stuff smells sweet!

Wellsir, you can expect to be hanging on to every block and point earned this Saturday. It's gonna be a galldern doozie! So pay close attention, I just came up with this:

The Suicide Shifters vs The Wrecking Crew. Need I say more? Okay, I will. The Shifties are 1-1, right? (Their game against the undefeated Hotties was uncomfortably close in the first half) Both teams have proven to be formidable wall-busting, tail-wagging foes. Too bad the Shifter's most recent transfer from West Texas bailed. Oh snap! They've still got a lot of amazon women; Hannibal-esque players who dream about strangling jammers between their thighs. As for the Crew, they grip a respectable 2-0 record. Dolla Billen is off the bench (hrm, off probation that is) and ready to go. She's got all that style to go with her devastating JTOs. Mm-mm-mm. Oh, and I've heard rumors of a crackpot strategy that the Wrecking Crew's coach is pulling off with the girls and members of his boy's team. Apparently some of the higher-ranked leagues are pulling it off all over the country, too. It's called stroller derby?! Pshaw. Ain't no derby like Grandma's roller derby!

Nonetheless, it will be extreme. Both teams are looking great. So...I'm 70% for the Poo Crew and 40% for the Sniffers. The extra ten percent is for all the beer everyone will be drinking, so the score girls might look a little wiggly. Some are convinced the Shifters have it. Whatever "it" is, I want some.

This brings us to the other compelling ultimate drag-out chick fight (aka legitimate female athletic competition)! While the Death Row Rumblers and the Slaughtererererer....ers finger out how to beat each other, wouldn't you love to get some of that fake blood on you? Or would you rather get to see what those sparkly orange shorts look like real up-close? Pray for a brutal blow. Expect a hurt feeling or two. Remember to treat them to a drink or a soda afterwards, or a nice dinner for two and a foot massage, but whatever you do, do it with permission. Don't be a perve! Gaw! The machete-obsessed Slaughterers still have a few lessons to learn, some may be dealt this weekend. Here's my derby anecdote for the evening: only trust your coach as far as you can throw him--especially if he's a swarthy heart breaker like the one they've got. The Rumblers can get it done, but they've got to mind their bench etiquette. Quit all that nipple-twisting and focus on the game at hand, ladies.

What a thrilling experience you will get to...experience! Forget the movies! Forget dinner with your parents! Screw it, just bring your parents, kids, and the cute babysitter with you! After all, children love sports! Sports knowledge can spur creative thinking, too. It encourages using arithmetic to calculate scores as well as understanding formulas and strategies. Kick it with us:

Nevermind the Bollocks
Saturday, July 10
Doors at 7pm, pack starts rolling at 7:30.
Tickets are $13 in advance or $15 at the door.
NYTEX Sports Centre
8851 IceHouse Dr
North Richland Hills, TX
www.derbydevils.com

And tell Mojo I still love her.

Yours,
Lucy

if it's satisfaction you're looking for, baby you gotta give me more

Yes! Will you look at that! Another perfect prediction! The herbs are really paying off. I guess I'll be making another trip to that house at the end of my street with the peeling paint and all the stray cats outside. This organic herbal tea shit is all black and close to downright deadly, but it really goes great with Grandma's chicken and dumplings.

This next one is going to be tricky. I've got to do a little more thinkin' and maybe some more drinkin'. Give me another day and I think I'll be feeling saucy enough to give you my fourth dose of my intelligence, foresight, and beauty all rolled into one tasty post.