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Whose got a derby-ache? Symptoms include nausea from all the excitement, that vein in your forehead throbbing from yelling too much, both middle fingers are cramping, you can't stop peeing, and your legs twitch uncontrollably when you try to sit still. The derby-ache plagues skaters and fans alike. Some claim it's worse than the diabetus.

There's no escape for the wicked: derby girls go down--hard. There's nothing that can be done but watch in awe as your sweet heroines swoop down and pick their enemies clean, leaving nothing but a helmet and cross bones in their wake. Doesn't it sound grand?

Welp, I ate my words from my last post as soon as I witnessed the Suicide Shifters' feeble attempts at cracking the Wrecking Crew's great wall of vagina. Ol' Dirty Basher made short work of it once with a glorious, albeit highly illegal, back-door entrance that slammed three girls straight to the floor--which sent her back to the box from whence she came, both birds a'blazing. That brash display summed up her team's feelings for the night. To be honest, I can't decide if I love what the Crew did, or want to spit and cuss at it like (mostly) everyone else has. Sure, the slow part sorta stinks, but damn did it work! The Crew locked in a win while allowing rookies and vets alike to shine together. First season skater Hollywood Hitchya and vets who sometimes struggle to score--unlike the coveted anomaly Anita Riot--Dar2 D2 and Lucky Lou all cracked the whip in hugely successful jams.

At any rate, this Saturday the High Seas Hotties have to face the crafty Crew. Chances are, if either team tries to freeze the pace, someone is going to lose their shit all over the track. Hotties' Captain Lickity Splittail will wish she wore extra underwear, 'cause she's gonna piss her panties if her team doesn't pull it together against the Wrecking Crew. How embarrassing would it be for the infamous vet-heavy Hotties to be dismantled by strategy executed by the LAST PLACE TEAM of the 2009 season? Hardee har har, I can't wait to see what happens! Something tells me the Hotties are going to pull out a somewhat, ahem, messy win in this pre-championship match-up against the other undefeated team of 2010.

Finally, the Suicide Shifters take on the Death Row Rumblers. This strikes me as a fairly even pairing. I anticipate some kind of slick moves from both teams. The Rumblers' did suffer an unfortunate loss, recently, as Captain Debbie Downer, and five-year veteran Desi Deck'em parted ways with their be-glittered sisters. Mid-season, at that. Both served as powerful players who seemed to have played the pivot, blocker, jammer skill trifecta quite handily, in my opinion. Que sera, as now the Shifters have all sorts of angst built up from their embarrassing dismemberment last month. Can someone answer me this, since my informants failed me last time: is Slyder in, or is she out? If she's out, the Shifters still tout an impressive troop, including the stoic stunner Kernal Angus. I'm curious if she's not a robot. She just powers on with little sign of any human emotion. Maybe the spandex is strangling her to silence.

For the first time this season, I am truly struggling to pick a side for this one. I would hate to sully my perfect score on predictions. That's 100% right, every time, bitches! Can you believe someone this good is doing this for free? Anyway, as I was saying, it's a tough call on this one. It has potential to be the closest bout of the season. How's about I just go with the Death Row Rumblers, because they collectively have more spunk in their junk than any other DDD team!

Which brings me to my first opportunity to predict an official interleague bout between Dallas' Hell Razors and Minnesota's All-Stars. Ho-ly shit. The Hell Razors have been working double-time this season. DNN.com even credited them as one of the busiest teams of 2010, as they blasted through more tournaments than single-headers in the first quarter. Though Minnesota and Dallas have both competed in Dust Devil 2006 and 2007, they've never gone head-to-head. Minnie's rankings have slipped to 7th in the North Central Region, while Dallas has sat stagnant at 4th in a tumultuous South Central Region. DNN's power rankings haven't featured Minnesota in months, while Dallas has held steadfast since their induction to the unofficial-yet-revered list of top roller derby leagues in October. This all means that Dallas is going to do their damnedest to pummel their guests in the most fashionable manner possible. Be sure to compliment them on their snazzy new uniforms while buying their victory beer, mmkay?

It's going to be a long, hard night for us all this Saturday. Three, count 'em, THREE bouts in one day, with a regular season pricetag. Don't even argue, just give hand over your heart. We promise to take care of it real nice like. And don't be the idiot that shows up late because you didn't read the info I so conveniently placed below:

DDD Triple Header
Doors at 5:30, Minnesota vs Dallas bout starts promptly at 6pm
Tickets are $13 in advance or $15 at the door.
NYTEX Sports Centre
8851 IceHouse Dr
North Richland Hills, TX
www.derbydevils.com

P.S. Here's a shout-out to all my fans. Thanks for reading and commenting. For you lurkers: don't be shy. Speak up. Let me know if you hate me, fear me, want to bed me, whatever. I'd like to know.