Aw christ, I drank way too much of that stuff that cross-eyed lady sold me. I'm typing this from the toilet. I hope I don't vom on the keyboard.
Jusssssssst kidding!
I am having a hard time focusing, though. I decided to put it in my granddad's pipe, and by golly this stuff smells sweet!
Wellsir, you can expect to be hanging on to every block and point earned this Saturday. It's gonna be a galldern doozie! So pay close attention, I just came up with this:
The Suicide Shifters vs The Wrecking Crew. Need I say more? Okay, I will. The Shifties are 1-1, right? (Their game against the undefeated Hotties was uncomfortably close in the first half) Both teams have proven to be formidable wall-busting, tail-wagging foes. Too bad the Shifter's most recent transfer from West Texas bailed. Oh snap! They've still got a lot of amazon women; Hannibal-esque players who dream about strangling jammers between their thighs. As for the Crew, they grip a respectable 2-0 record. Dolla Billen is off the bench (hrm, off probation that is) and ready to go. She's got all that style to go with her devastating JTOs. Mm-mm-mm. Oh, and I've heard rumors of a crackpot strategy that the Wrecking Crew's coach is pulling off with the girls and members of his boy's team. Apparently some of the higher-ranked leagues are pulling it off all over the country, too. It's called stroller derby?! Pshaw. Ain't no derby like Grandma's roller derby!
Nonetheless, it will be extreme. Both teams are looking great. So...I'm 70% for the Poo Crew and 40% for the Sniffers. The extra ten percent is for all the beer everyone will be drinking, so the score girls might look a little wiggly. Some are convinced the Shifters have it. Whatever "it" is, I want some.
This brings us to the other compelling ultimate drag-out chick fight (aka legitimate female athletic competition)! While the Death Row Rumblers and the Slaughtererererer....ers finger out how to beat each other, wouldn't you love to get some of that fake blood on you? Or would you rather get to see what those sparkly orange shorts look like real up-close? Pray for a brutal blow. Expect a hurt feeling or two. Remember to treat them to a drink or a soda afterwards, or a nice dinner for two and a foot massage, but whatever you do, do it with permission. Don't be a perve! Gaw! The machete-obsessed Slaughterers still have a few lessons to learn, some may be dealt this weekend. Here's my derby anecdote for the evening: only trust your coach as far as you can throw him--especially if he's a swarthy heart breaker like the one they've got. The Rumblers can get it done, but they've got to mind their bench etiquette. Quit all that nipple-twisting and focus on the game at hand, ladies.
What a thrilling experience you will get to...experience! Forget the movies! Forget dinner with your parents! Screw it, just bring your parents, kids, and the cute babysitter with you! After all, children love sports! Sports knowledge can spur creative thinking, too. It encourages using arithmetic to calculate scores as well as understanding formulas and strategies. Kick it with us:
Nevermind the Bollocks
Saturday, July 10
Doors at 7pm, pack starts rolling at 7:30.
Tickets are $13 in advance or $15 at the door.
NYTEX Sports Centre
8851 IceHouse Dr
North Richland Hills, TX
www.derbydevils.com
And tell Mojo I still love her.
Yours,
Lucy
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