just like the mavericks

Dallas is bringing it home like good southern cookin'. Or maybe you prefer TexMex? Or better yet, you're into Zuroma pizza, brought to your seat in lightning speed by the hottest, most sinister Devils. That's right. The Army of Darkness delivers.

While you're munching on your delicious pizza pie, flicking bits of cheese into the person's hair in the row in front of you as you shout for your favorite team, I hope these predictions resonate with you. Someone thought so much of me, they even made me a poster. What darlings.


I know the High Seas Hotties have an advantage over the Slaughterers with two very experienced veterans, Roxie la Roo and Rink Panther as their coaches, but the Slaughts have plenty of grit and their ready to prove that all girls are pink on the inside--even eye-patched cat ladies who like to be seafaring wenches during pretend time. The Slaughterers' harrowing four-footer captain, who was also May's skater of the month AND the poster child for Bout 3, is foaming at the mouth for a victory. The Haughties can afford a loss. While I seriously doubt they'll give it up to the pint-sized pinkies, I don't think it'll be a smothering for either side. I reckon the tide is high on the crimson wave for many of HSH, so there might be some extra rage left on the track.

Every year, out of all the match-ups between the Devils' five home teams, I look forward to the bout between the Wrecking Crew and the Suicide Shifters. Consistent rivals for the second and third place spots in the rankings, these two mobs of blue-collar enthusiasts never fail to give each other the closest, most brutal beatdown of the season. Their games are always butt-clenchers and knuckle-biters. Last year's was the Crew's first night to reveal their unpopular tactics. In spite of a particularly nasty lashing from the crowd, that night their win over their dearest adversaries must have poured gasoline over their burning appetite for abuse. Considering the mean green snot rocket machines lost to the Hotties, as did the feckless Wrecking Crew, this could again be their pre-playoff battle for second and third place. Neither have a good record yet, so they've both got the itch. Between you and me, I think the Crew's plan is to blind their foes with their outrageous new gold Skinz shorty shorts. If that doesn't work, I think the Suicides' slick new jammers will slip right through their disco ball wall for an epic upheaval.

There you have it, folks. I'm going to be lazy and just link to the Facebook event here for all the details. Check it.

Keep it sleazy,

Lucy

bushes are burning

As you all know, the world didn't end during our May 21 bout. Thank GOD, because then a good chunk of our skaters would have been MIA and we'd have a real mess on our hands. I think we handled the lights out situation at bout 1 well, so I'm sure we would have figured something out real quick. In all honesty, nine times out of ten having a roller derby girl on your side in the apocalypse is a real blessing--we're quite handy. We're athletic and quick on our feet, many of us have extensive knowledge on zombies, we know how to use socket wrenches really well, recognize the importance of lubricant and most importantly: every one of us has been through hell and back, so you bet your too-tight britches we're all tough broads.

This Saturday, June 18th, the Dallas Derby Devils' all-stars will skate under their new moniker, the Army of Darkness. They will also be warming up the track with an opener against Pueblo Roller Derby Devil Dollz. Not much is known about the Devil Dollz, but sources say they're currently unranked but active in the Western Region. Other, less credible, sources say that they were all born on the same plateau, inside a bat cave that was also a home to a league of mountain lions. The West is a tough region full of totally legit teams. The higher altitude really gives them an advantage, in my opinion.

As for this weekend's home team headbutting, the High Seas Hotties set their good eye on the Slaughterers, while the Suicide Shifters will get off their hogs for a scrap against the Wrecking Crew. Woo-ee! Ya'll come back later for the predictions. This is just a teaser post. Nyah!

**Lucy would like to apologize for a mistake on her previous post, "sass never goes out of style"--in which she states that Randall County Roller Dames are from Abilene, TX. RCRD is in fact from Amarillo, not Abilene. Lucy severely regrets her gross oversight and begs on bended knee for your forgiveness.**