Alright alright, I'll write a damn post. Would you get your grubby paws off me already?! Sons of biscuit-makers didn't have to tie me to my flippin' chair. I try to go on strike and this is what they do to me. Isn't there a blogger's union out there? I demand a little pay and this is how I get treated. The rascals tricked me. We'll see if I'll go drinking with those BBSD boys again.

Er...well, this is a little embarrassing.

You see, the Dallas Derby Devils' 2010 season championship will be over after 24 hours past. This looks about right for after-party time. That is after June Carter Crash ever releases us. She makes us line up single file like first-graders to sign out after we get done spit shining every tile on that NYTEX floor. We don't even get time to shotgun a beer as a team before we have to start cleaning up.

When's Drew gonna cut us a check? I got Ellen's phone number on speed dial. Homegirl won't return a phone call because she don't know nobody in no house on the outskirts of no rural town off 35-W. I just told her I taped a picture of her on my bedpost and I've been waiting for her by the railroad tracks. The hussy had the audacity to block my number. Kids these days.

So. If you didn't know, this game is a repeat of the bout previous. Now, I know what you're thinking. Sounds like a rip-off. But you are wrong my friend. There's going to be some man-derby goings on. The Dallas Deception are going to take over the track for just a mo' to kick each other in the shins and sniff each others' butts. With helmets on.

No, really, watching these guys is actually quite entertaining. Stupendous, even. It's every derby girl's fantasy: boys trying to do what us girls do better--it's true; the girls beat the boys at the co-ed bout at RollerCon*. Shit's intense. We get loud and rowdy cheering for them, I assure you. It's worth it to see how high they jump, wag their tails, and blow each other to bits with brutal blows to the crotch. 'Tis a wondrous sight. This will feature all of the current Dallas Danglers in a Rookies vs Vets match.

The Suicide Shifters have been practicing. They're tarts, the whole lot of them. I think they'll take the bronze, leaving the Death Row Rumblers with honorable mention.

When The Wrecking Crew played the Hi-C's Hotties last bout, they didn't use the strategy that crippled the Shifters. Do you think they really listened to the fans and decided to bag the controversial, yet effective, gig altogether? Well, the stats show that they still hold the hearts of the fans in a vice-like grip. Here are the fan vote results thus far in the season from www.derbydevils.com:

Wrecking Crew
114	25.3%
Suicide Shifters
111	24.7%
Slaughterers
89	19.8%
Death Row Rumblers
60	13.3%
High Seas Hotties
50	11.1%
All Star Travel Team
26	5.8%

And would you look who's last amongst the home teams? I'm just sayin'. The fans have spoken.

You say the top-rated team gets last because everyone wants to root for the underdog, right?

Typical.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say The Wrecking Crew have a fighting chance. Hopefully they're all getting a good night's rest instead of getting drunk and climbing up cherry pickers on the street and trying to tap into people's brains through the telephone polls. I'm sure the Hotties have already had their pre-game snack of crocodile tail and pig's blood. I think they have the vegan one on protein powder and wine. She can't eat the cheese, remember. She's a strong woman, god bless her. They all are. So I think it's just going to be a death match. Everyone's going down bleeding from their noses and spitting teeth.

Get there on time. Don't forget to lift your beer. Oh, and go to www.bigbadsportsdaddy.com for your Dallas Derby Devil footage.

2010 Championships
Doors at 7pm, pack starts rolling at 7:30.
Tickets are $13 in advance or $15 at the door.
NYTEX Sports Centre
8851 IceHouse Dr
North Richland Hills, TX
www.derbydevils.com

*stats from derbynewsnetwork.com.

bow down to the prophetess of roller derby and buy her gifts to keep her happy

Thank you, Strawberry Deathcake for recognizing my impressive achievement of remaining 100% correct on EVERY prediction I've made thus far. This, my first season as a rookie roller derby journalist. I can't help but gloat and enjoy your praise, since it's ALL I GET for being so awesome.

I'll repeat a statement from my last post:

Can you believe someone this good is doing this for free?!

That's right. Neither bigbadsportsdaddy.com nor the Dallas Derby Devils have anything to offer me. I do it purely for that warm feeling you give me when you stroke my ego.

Now stroke.

do you hate me? check yes or no.

Whose got a derby-ache? Symptoms include nausea from all the excitement, that vein in your forehead throbbing from yelling too much, both middle fingers are cramping, you can't stop peeing, and your legs twitch uncontrollably when you try to sit still. The derby-ache plagues skaters and fans alike. Some claim it's worse than the diabetus.

There's no escape for the wicked: derby girls go down--hard. There's nothing that can be done but watch in awe as your sweet heroines swoop down and pick their enemies clean, leaving nothing but a helmet and cross bones in their wake. Doesn't it sound grand?

Welp, I ate my words from my last post as soon as I witnessed the Suicide Shifters' feeble attempts at cracking the Wrecking Crew's great wall of vagina. Ol' Dirty Basher made short work of it once with a glorious, albeit highly illegal, back-door entrance that slammed three girls straight to the floor--which sent her back to the box from whence she came, both birds a'blazing. That brash display summed up her team's feelings for the night. To be honest, I can't decide if I love what the Crew did, or want to spit and cuss at it like (mostly) everyone else has. Sure, the slow part sorta stinks, but damn did it work! The Crew locked in a win while allowing rookies and vets alike to shine together. First season skater Hollywood Hitchya and vets who sometimes struggle to score--unlike the coveted anomaly Anita Riot--Dar2 D2 and Lucky Lou all cracked the whip in hugely successful jams.

At any rate, this Saturday the High Seas Hotties have to face the crafty Crew. Chances are, if either team tries to freeze the pace, someone is going to lose their shit all over the track. Hotties' Captain Lickity Splittail will wish she wore extra underwear, 'cause she's gonna piss her panties if her team doesn't pull it together against the Wrecking Crew. How embarrassing would it be for the infamous vet-heavy Hotties to be dismantled by strategy executed by the LAST PLACE TEAM of the 2009 season? Hardee har har, I can't wait to see what happens! Something tells me the Hotties are going to pull out a somewhat, ahem, messy win in this pre-championship match-up against the other undefeated team of 2010.

Finally, the Suicide Shifters take on the Death Row Rumblers. This strikes me as a fairly even pairing. I anticipate some kind of slick moves from both teams. The Rumblers' did suffer an unfortunate loss, recently, as Captain Debbie Downer, and five-year veteran Desi Deck'em parted ways with their be-glittered sisters. Mid-season, at that. Both served as powerful players who seemed to have played the pivot, blocker, jammer skill trifecta quite handily, in my opinion. Que sera, as now the Shifters have all sorts of angst built up from their embarrassing dismemberment last month. Can someone answer me this, since my informants failed me last time: is Slyder in, or is she out? If she's out, the Shifters still tout an impressive troop, including the stoic stunner Kernal Angus. I'm curious if she's not a robot. She just powers on with little sign of any human emotion. Maybe the spandex is strangling her to silence.

For the first time this season, I am truly struggling to pick a side for this one. I would hate to sully my perfect score on predictions. That's 100% right, every time, bitches! Can you believe someone this good is doing this for free? Anyway, as I was saying, it's a tough call on this one. It has potential to be the closest bout of the season. How's about I just go with the Death Row Rumblers, because they collectively have more spunk in their junk than any other DDD team!

Which brings me to my first opportunity to predict an official interleague bout between Dallas' Hell Razors and Minnesota's All-Stars. Ho-ly shit. The Hell Razors have been working double-time this season. DNN.com even credited them as one of the busiest teams of 2010, as they blasted through more tournaments than single-headers in the first quarter. Though Minnesota and Dallas have both competed in Dust Devil 2006 and 2007, they've never gone head-to-head. Minnie's rankings have slipped to 7th in the North Central Region, while Dallas has sat stagnant at 4th in a tumultuous South Central Region. DNN's power rankings haven't featured Minnesota in months, while Dallas has held steadfast since their induction to the unofficial-yet-revered list of top roller derby leagues in October. This all means that Dallas is going to do their damnedest to pummel their guests in the most fashionable manner possible. Be sure to compliment them on their snazzy new uniforms while buying their victory beer, mmkay?

It's going to be a long, hard night for us all this Saturday. Three, count 'em, THREE bouts in one day, with a regular season pricetag. Don't even argue, just give hand over your heart. We promise to take care of it real nice like. And don't be the idiot that shows up late because you didn't read the info I so conveniently placed below:

DDD Triple Header
Doors at 5:30, Minnesota vs Dallas bout starts promptly at 6pm
Tickets are $13 in advance or $15 at the door.
NYTEX Sports Centre
8851 IceHouse Dr
North Richland Hills, TX
www.derbydevils.com

P.S. Here's a shout-out to all my fans. Thanks for reading and commenting. For you lurkers: don't be shy. Speak up. Let me know if you hate me, fear me, want to bed me, whatever. I'd like to know.

a hunk a hunk a hunk of burnin' love

Aw christ, I drank way too much of that stuff that cross-eyed lady sold me. I'm typing this from the toilet. I hope I don't vom on the keyboard.

Jusssssssst kidding!

I am having a hard time focusing, though. I decided to put it in my granddad's pipe, and by golly this stuff smells sweet!

Wellsir, you can expect to be hanging on to every block and point earned this Saturday. It's gonna be a galldern doozie! So pay close attention, I just came up with this:

The Suicide Shifters vs The Wrecking Crew. Need I say more? Okay, I will. The Shifties are 1-1, right? (Their game against the undefeated Hotties was uncomfortably close in the first half) Both teams have proven to be formidable wall-busting, tail-wagging foes. Too bad the Shifter's most recent transfer from West Texas bailed. Oh snap! They've still got a lot of amazon women; Hannibal-esque players who dream about strangling jammers between their thighs. As for the Crew, they grip a respectable 2-0 record. Dolla Billen is off the bench (hrm, off probation that is) and ready to go. She's got all that style to go with her devastating JTOs. Mm-mm-mm. Oh, and I've heard rumors of a crackpot strategy that the Wrecking Crew's coach is pulling off with the girls and members of his boy's team. Apparently some of the higher-ranked leagues are pulling it off all over the country, too. It's called stroller derby?! Pshaw. Ain't no derby like Grandma's roller derby!

Nonetheless, it will be extreme. Both teams are looking great. So...I'm 70% for the Poo Crew and 40% for the Sniffers. The extra ten percent is for all the beer everyone will be drinking, so the score girls might look a little wiggly. Some are convinced the Shifters have it. Whatever "it" is, I want some.

This brings us to the other compelling ultimate drag-out chick fight (aka legitimate female athletic competition)! While the Death Row Rumblers and the Slaughtererererer....ers finger out how to beat each other, wouldn't you love to get some of that fake blood on you? Or would you rather get to see what those sparkly orange shorts look like real up-close? Pray for a brutal blow. Expect a hurt feeling or two. Remember to treat them to a drink or a soda afterwards, or a nice dinner for two and a foot massage, but whatever you do, do it with permission. Don't be a perve! Gaw! The machete-obsessed Slaughterers still have a few lessons to learn, some may be dealt this weekend. Here's my derby anecdote for the evening: only trust your coach as far as you can throw him--especially if he's a swarthy heart breaker like the one they've got. The Rumblers can get it done, but they've got to mind their bench etiquette. Quit all that nipple-twisting and focus on the game at hand, ladies.

What a thrilling experience you will get to...experience! Forget the movies! Forget dinner with your parents! Screw it, just bring your parents, kids, and the cute babysitter with you! After all, children love sports! Sports knowledge can spur creative thinking, too. It encourages using arithmetic to calculate scores as well as understanding formulas and strategies. Kick it with us:

Nevermind the Bollocks
Saturday, July 10
Doors at 7pm, pack starts rolling at 7:30.
Tickets are $13 in advance or $15 at the door.
NYTEX Sports Centre
8851 IceHouse Dr
North Richland Hills, TX
www.derbydevils.com

And tell Mojo I still love her.

Yours,
Lucy

if it's satisfaction you're looking for, baby you gotta give me more

Yes! Will you look at that! Another perfect prediction! The herbs are really paying off. I guess I'll be making another trip to that house at the end of my street with the peeling paint and all the stray cats outside. This organic herbal tea shit is all black and close to downright deadly, but it really goes great with Grandma's chicken and dumplings.

This next one is going to be tricky. I've got to do a little more thinkin' and maybe some more drinkin'. Give me another day and I think I'll be feeling saucy enough to give you my fourth dose of my intelligence, foresight, and beauty all rolled into one tasty post.

hungry for a noodle-teaser?

Holy underwear, blogspot ate half my post yesterday when all I was doing was adding a photo source. Sadness overcomes me, for the golden eloquence once there is forever lost.

I might be too depressed to write this month's preview.

Nah.

So! The Slaughterers take on another foe this weekend. With their 0-2 record so far, things are looking bleak for the pretty pinkies. Their blockers failed to crack the High Seas Hotties' mean pack. They've got slick jammers in Botoxin, Blue-eyed Banshee and returned veteran Death By Dawn, but a team isn't a team if it relies on one position to do it all. The Wrecking Crew certainly proved their worth last month when they locked in a safe win against the Death Row Rumblers. It'll be a derby-boy-turned-coach showdown between Crew's slavedriver Mattomic, and the Slaughterers' manslave Crashanova, assuming they actually show up. It's a little soon to wholly believe Wrecking Crew have their groove back, but from last month's performance it's safe to assume they've got this one in the bag.

I'm just hoping Jax Revenge's sister comes back. She was incredibly entertaining. If you watch the footage of the bout on bigbadsportsdaddy.com you see her stomping on every beer can from her beeramid through which Lucky Lou mischievously bowled.

The highlight of the night of course will be the Suicide Shifters, at 1-0 right now per last month's bye, and the High Seas Hotties, resting coolly on their 2-0 record. This is obviously a brand new year for the snooty Shifters. Shiny new uniforms, shiny new transfers, and a shiny new speed coach have given them a shiny new outlook on their road to the Championships. Those greasy chola wannabes are ready to drink from the pimp cup of victory beer, but oh...what's that? Oh yeah, it's the fucking Hotties holding a divinely ordained chalice of blended wheels, gold chains, and protein powder all grinning with bits of Shifter stuck in their teeth. Yup. I'm positive the Shifters will go down giving those one-eyed panty-sniffers skidmarks all the way. I can hear the battle cries already. Do not go gently into that night, dear sisters.

Beat the heat with a derby stick and come watch us girls legitimately kick each other's asses. This is as rizzle as it gets, my nizzle. I'll see you at the Ny-tizzle.

School of Derby
Saturday, June 19th
Doors at 7pm, pack starts rolling at 7:30.
Tickets are $13 in advance or $15 at the door.
NYTEX Sports Centre
8851 IceHouse Dr
North Richland Hills, TX
www.derbydevils.com

Check out derby Thursdays on bigbadsportsdaddy.com, too. Streaming roller derby footage for your viewing pleasure. Don't shock yourself when you start kissing your computer, okay sugar?

was i right or was i right?

(photo from DDD's facebook)

Jackie Lation has a sign. She's on ur track cuttin' muffins. Thanks for letting me know you're reading, girl.

they see me rollin', they hatin'

Alright haters, here's the deal. I can tell you how this Saturday will unfold. You can deny it all you want, but you know what? My accuracy rate right now is 100%. Still don't trust me? It's okay, we really have only just met. I understand that some people are a little intimidated by strong, opinionated women.

Is that what's wrong? Are you scared I might be right? Does thinking about skaters running over appendages keep you up at night? It's okay, there's a cure for it. Just read this blog and accept it as truth and I'd say about half of your anxiety will melt away immediately. Try to remember not to roll over onto the wet spot.

Well, seeing the tragic upset for the Slaughterers last month left a coppery taste in plenty of mouths. The former undefeated champions were bleeding tears as the Suicide Shifters took over the bout from the beginning and showed no signs of letting up. This weekend the pink pushovers will be taking on the high and mighty High Seas Hotties - they're toughest contenders from last season. The Hotties have a bunch of bruisers on their team with huge chips on their shoulders. They had to settle for second place last season, boo hoo. They're aching for a trophy for all their efforts and the Slaughterers are now just another team in the way. Unless captain Maniac McGee and her hunky coach Crashanova have honed a secret weapon they won't have a fighting chance against Lickity Splittail and her pussy pushin' pirates. For the Hotties, victory over their rivals will be so very sweet.

The Wrecking Crew will make their 2010 debut against the Death Row Rumblers this Saturday. The Crew have been training with a new coach, Mattomic, after now Hotties coach Rhino and former captain Anita Riot both jumped ship last season. Word has it he's not going to be there this weekend either! Still loaded with veterans, four travel team skaters, and some powerful new recruits, the Wreckers might be able to pull off a win after getting stomped repeatedly in 2009. The glitter-butt Rumblers claim differently. Debbie Downer caused quite a fuss last bout against the Hotties, and was benched by her own team for being a cry-baby. It'll be fun watching her fume again if (or should I say when?) her team gets stuffed a second time. Heike de Skirt, former Wrecker co-captain, and Postal Penny put on quite a performance in April as top jammers for the ex-cons. Jackie "Big Deal" Lation pumped a few chumps, too. However, they're still a couple seasons short on experience when considering the Crew's Ingersoll Rand, Lucky Lou, Dar2 D2, and the infamous Anita Riot (yes, she begged them to take her back after her stint with the Shifters last season, but how could they resist?). It'll be a nail-biter, but my bet is on the Crew and their big, er, wrecking balls.

Last bout was sold out, so you better buy your tickets ASAP or show up early. Keep up the good work and buy your favorite derby girl a beer at the after party. They have $1.50 PBR, I am not shitting you!!! If this excites you as much as it does me, I suggest organizing for a designated driver.

Here's the info:

Talk Derby to Me
Saturday, May 22nd
Doors open at 7PM
NYTEX Sports Centre
8851 Ice House Dr
North Richland Hills, TX 76180
Tickets are $13 in advance, $15 at the door

It will hurt your soul to miss anything this year.

Derby tomorrow, hangover today

As you should know, Dallas Derby Devils' season opener is tomorrow. Hotties vs Rumblers and Shifters vs Slaughterers. Couldn't think of a better way to start 2010, honestly.

I can't wait to see the Death Row Rumblers get creamed by the High Seas Hotties. The Hotties are going to do some damage to those orange tarts. On the other hand, I have heard that the Rumblers are "out for blood" this season, whatever that's supposed to mean. Truth be told those jailbaits have stuck together, showing little change in their roster since 2006, and even go on road trips together to some backwoods town in Arkansas to rub their butts on each other and sing the theme song to Hee Haw. 2009 Rookie of the Year Jackie Lation seems to think she's some kind of big deal, too. No matter how hard they may want it, you can't deny the fact that the despicable party pirates have a stacked roster of veterans, including skaters that comprise a good fourth of the all-star Hell Razors. The High-C's are going to miss the high-scoring bag of sass Strawberry Deathcake 2000 due to a separated shoulder, though. Either way, these girls are all planning on starting 2010 with a win. I admit it will be intense. I know how badly everyone wants to root for the underdog, but I'm still 85% positive the Rumblers are getting smeared.

The Suicide Shifters have struggled to get more than third place since their existence. It doesn't seem like their little mechanic shop could ever get any of those motors running on time. This year may be a chance for them to get their gears together and kick some ass. New additions from recent interleague transfers will significantly beef up their line-up, which still totes 3rd and 4th season veterans V-Twin Vixen, Amazon Assassin, Jamie Lee, and Ol' Dirty Basher. The Slaughterers suffered a severed limb when all but one travel team member retired from home competition to concentrate solely on duties to the devil as a Hell Razor and 3 year captain Scary Cherry Bang Bang jumped ship. A new captain, a new coach [who apparently disappeared from derby to go cleanse his chakra or some bullshit and has just returned], and lots of rookies, the Slaughterers might stumble through their season opener. I expect this bout to be riveting. Get it? Riveting?

The Wrecking Crew has a bye this game since they lost every game last season. Ouch! However, they will be playing the Death Row Rumblers May 22.

You can't miss this season. Oh man, I am serious as roadkill. This is my serious face. Listen. You better buy your tickets early, get your butt to NYTEX early, find a seat, get someone to get your beer for you, and scream your head off. Here's all the info so you don't have the excuse of saying you didn't know when or where it was.

Raw Power Season Opener
NYTEX Centre
8851 Ice House Drive
North Richland Hills, TX

Doors open at 7:00pm, the power is unleashed at 7:30pm
Get your tickets on-line for $13 or at the door for $15

well hello nurse

Do you hear that? Is it the faint sound of urethane wheels across a hard floor? I think I heard someone's head hit the ground, be glad they're wearing helmets!

Wellsir, this here blog is written by a true Dallas Derby Devil; conceived and wholesomely homebred in the Metroplex only to fall under the influence of the roller derby revival. I will be writing periodically to update you on our home season bouts and other happenings. If you know what's good for you check here for bout preview write-ups. Go to derbydevils.com for all league events and information. You can also go to bigbadsportsdaddy.com on Thursday nights for streaming video of DDD bouts.

Don't take your pants off just yet. In fact, keep them on and come to our bouts. Regular Season games (April - August) will be held at the NYTEX Sports Centre, and the doors open at 7:00pm. Here's The Official Dallas Derby Devil 2010 Season Schedule:

April 17th
June 19th
July 31st
May 22nd
July 10th
August 21st

So drop by to get your fix before the action, and be a dear and let me know you've been here. Thanks!